Friday, January 14, 2011
Mourning - Private or Public?
I just returned from an Amish funeral and have some thoughts that I'm processing...my siblings and I have had an ongoing conversation about what will transpire when our parents pass on. In the Amish tradition, after the sermon(s) at the funeral there is one final viewing of the deceased but as everyone files past the coffin, they proceed back to their seats instead of exiting. I have always told my siblings that when the time comes we will ask for privacy in the final moments with our parents instead of doing so publicly. Now as I observed my closest friend saying his final farewell to his Dad, I had to wonder if there isn't some real value in mourning in community. Privacy would seem much more comfortable; less of a spectacle but perhaps for those of us in the audience, there is some sense of raw emotional compassion that is evoked in these times of grief that draws us closer into community with the grieving. The reverse may be true for those mourning the loss of their loved one as well. I don't know, maybe it doesn't really matter one way or the other...I thought my mind was made up about this topic, now I'm not so sure...any thoughts from those with experience?
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2 comments:
I'm with you. I feel different about that subject at different times. I never thought I liked the idea of a viewing after the service. Since we have buried both of Wil's parents in the last 6 months, I feel differently about that. I think it would have been helpful for us to be able to see all the people who came to the funeral by having them file past at the end. Those people are your connection with your parents and who give you encouragement.
I vascillate on this one too. Dad died almost two years ago and we chose to have the final viewing just before the funeral and then the casket remained closed. I still feel good about that. However, I feel much more strongly about the cemetery experience. When Dave's mother died back in '86, we changed our minds about that. We felt such a release at the time of closing the grave. We felt it was the last thing we could do for her. We still feel that way. At my dad's funeral most of the people walked away from the grave with the casket still above ground. I didn't want to leave and several of the grandchildren that had never seen a grave closed, made the comment that they are NOT walking away until they know that he is buried properly. All of the grandchildren and just a few of the rest of the family stayed. I'm glad we did.
Carol Troyer
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